U.S. President Donald Trump announced that he has struck a deal with Whiterun general goods shopkeeper Belethor to purchase his sister. President Trump said during a press meeting that the deal includes a 90% profit retention for the American people, although critics have pondered where those profits might come from and why Belethor would be willing to part ways with something so precious for 10% of the share. The specifics of the deal have not yet been verified by both parties.
The announcement of this deal comes at a time when the Stormcloak files are of paramount concern for the public’s perception of trustworthiness for their government. The Trump administration’s suspicious handling of the files has created cause for concern for its approval ratings, and some have argued that this deal, which seems to be loosely held together by false promises and unverified claims, might be a fabricated distraction to make the citizens of both Skyrim and the U.S. forget that President Trump definitely came inside a 13 year old girl on multiple occasions as a result of his connections with Ulfric Stormcloak.
The StunLock took to the streets to find the common American’s opinion on the announcement:
This is a great example of how Trump is able to win back the America that we should have. I mean, buying Belethor’s sister, whoever she is, is just representative of the familial unit being reunited. A man having the proverbial “ownership” of a woman is the essence of a healthy family and, therefor, the essence of a healthy country. What a win!
–Michael Savesta, Lockpicking enthusiast.
Enforcing immigration laws is one thing, but I’m not so sure about this deal. If the point is to make America wealthier, how is a woman is supposed to accomplish that goal? Even with 90% of the profits, what are we going to get? 90% of what, exactly? 90% of nagging? Hah! Just a little joke. A little naggin’ joke. Hah!
Yeah, but, anyway. So, yeah. I think it’s probably just a distraction that Trump drummed up to distract me from the fact that he for sure stuck his peen in the mouth of a little girl that was being trafficked by Ulfric. Was it the mouth? No, he just had sex with her, right? Well, I can’t actually remember. But after seeing his obvious panic with the Stormcloak list and its eventual release, I’m convinced that at least one of the 200 women who have accused him of being a sexual predator aren’t fabricating their story. But at least Belethor’s sister isn’t a child, right? Wait, does he even have a sister? Doesn’t he always refer to his sister in the hypothetical sense? Like, he says “if” he had a sister… right? So what the fuck?
-Willard Carmichael, Plays Mage on Legendary.
Officials have stressed that the deal is part of an ongoing dialogue between the President and his own self, and that any additions or alterations to its specifics will be denoted by changes written in marker.
